Watching Survivor

The much talked about, eagerly awaited new show by Mark Burnett has arrived! Pirate Master’s premiered tonight to a rousing success within the demographic of… my family. We giggled, and cheered and booed and hissed laughed and concluded it had all the makings of a good family fun-fest. It’s no surprise, really, as we love Pirates, and our favorite Survivor of all time was Rupert. Clearly, this series was made just for us!

We start out on a dark night, with a longboat being rowed by the 16 costumed contestants, across black waters in the dark through the fog, with a single lantern lighting their way along with the full moon. (What, you expected this NOT to be campy? Please!)

They board the Picton Castle, where they are greeted by the host, Cameron Daddo, and told it is a working ship and they will be expected to pull their weight - else there be consequences!

They are told to grab a rope, and pull up (GASP!) a treasure chest! There are 14 compartments, and 14 treasures! Louie cackles with excitement, and we decide he’s our favorite because he reminds us of Rupert. (TOLD you we were Rupert fans!)

Told the legend of Captain Henry Steel and his treasure. If the legends are true, the treasure is worth $1 million, and whatever they find will be theirs to keep. They are given the evening to get to know one another.

They are: Alexis Shubin, Azmyth Kaminski, Ben Fagen, Cheryl Kosewicz, Christa DeAngelo, Christian Okoye (The Nigerian Nightmare), Jaw Hatkow, Joe Don ‘J.D.’ Morton (Hey! He’s a firefight from Alaska! Please don’t make us look like idiots…), John Lakness, Jocelyn ‘Joy’ McElveen, Elicia ‘Jupiter’ Mendoza, Kendra Guffey, Laurel Schmidt, Louis Frase, Nessa Nemir, and Sean Twomey.

Throughout the evening, John Lakness already makes a bad impression on folks, by being an infamous “low talker” (Remember Seinfeld?) and not hesitating to start feeling people out and putting them into groups.

At dawn, however, the ship sets sail, and it is time for work. (And I have to say that the cinematography is *stunning*!) There are folks climbing up on the masts, and the Nigerian Nightmare saying he stay down here - to catch anyone dat falls! They’ve all had some training in sailing beforehand, but those with more experience are nice enough to help those who are a little lost. Joy gets herself a good case of seasickness, too, but says if she wants to be a pirate, she’ll just have to get used to it. Just before spewing off the side of the ship. Heh.

They weigh anchor, and it’s time to open the first compartment of the treasure chest! They are divided into two crews by random draw of black and red marbles. Each crew is given a map and a compass. There is one treasure to be found by one crew, the other will be empty handed.

They must paddle up the river, take a left at the dead man’s tree, and find keys that will unlock and lower the skeleton cage. This will give them another key, and another map. That map will lead them farther up the river, where x marks the spot and the treasure can be found.

They head to the longboats, Cameron shoots off the pistol, and they are off! The red team is fast - but they forget to use their rudder and are quickly swept off course, a crucial mistake as it allows the Black Crew to take the lead - and they never looked back, despite some mistakes of their own. Ben loses his shoe in the middle of some really sticky mud, while the others tell him to leave it. He doesn’t, but finally finds it, just as the Red Crew is catching up. He recovers in time to help them find the keys buried under the skeleton cage.

Joe Don, however, can’t figure out how to open the three part, three keyed lock! He steps back, and John has it figured out in no time at all. They find the map - in the stinky skeleton head, read the clue, and are off and running back to the boat.

The twist is there is the chance to sabotage the second crew to slow them down, by raising a chain netting to block the river. Which they wisely do, as they spend the next while arguing over where the treasure is exactly. It’s somewhere in the water, but where? They read and reread the clue, while John finally looks under the Mangrove Tree - which is a ‘crocs lair’. Just as the red team makes it past the sabotage point, John lugs the treasure chest to the surface and saves the day!

Which he has no problem reminding them of when they get back to the ship, and vote Joe Don the captain instead of him. “I basically won the whole thing for you people!” Oy, matey, bein a whiner on a pirate ship tis not a safe thing to be!

They divvy up the freshly found and counted treasure of $40k, with the newly elected captain getting 50% to do with as he pleases. Captain Joe Don picks two first mates, who get half of what’s left, and the remaining booty is divided among the black crew equally. Then they’re demoted - Black Crew is no longer, and they are sent below deck while the Captain and his Mates are given the keys to the Captain’s Quarters, and uniforms befitting their status as the leaders of the crew.

Below, folks are already complaining that Joe Don kept his half, without dividing it up evenly. That complaining deepens when they get a peek of Captain’s Cabin, and Joe Don locks them out with a promise that there would be changes. Jay comments that he ‘erred on the side of arrogance’.

Joe Don already seeks order so that the ship runs smoothly, and passes out orders straight away. Louis says he’ll do whatever needs to be done, but already works to get the captain taken down - he’ll have to work hard to keep getting 50% of the treasure found!

Day two, and the Captain and his mates are given instructions for Pirate’s Court. They had to mark three pirates letters with black dots. Those three have a chance to defend themselves, before the remaining crew will vote. They can vote one of the three off to be set adrift, or anonymously mutiny and send the captain instead.

Joe Don wants John off his ship right away. They choose Louis second, because he was already talking mutiny. And then they choose Joy, as a lamb - not expecting her to be voted off because she is well liked. What they don’t expect is how hurt she is by the choice. The men, they expected it, but Joy is crushed. John decides to make a last ditch effort, and steals the only two compasses on the ship - figuring if he goes, they go, and they won’t be able to find their way to the treasure. Louis makes another good-natured chuckle and decides talking bad about the captain openly wasn’t a good idea!

Pirate’s Court is in Session!
Ah, tis a stormy night at sea, as the Pirate’s Court convenes! Cameron leads the Court, and gives the three chosen black dots a chance to defend themselves.

Louis gives a little poem about his sisters at sea and adds that he doesn’t mind being a swab, as a swab is a strong man - all he wants is pay!

Joy stays strong and says she’s not ready to go, and has done everything she has been asked.

John steps up and says he is on the line for not voting for Joe Don as Captain. He pulls out the compasses, and makes a cry for Mutiny in return for their navigation.

Joe Don is given a chance to reply. He says “At night, the big dipper points to the north star. During the day, a stick in the mud casts a shadow… I don’t need your compasses, and I don’t need you.”

He admits to not being able to see the North Star at night, but that during the day it would be a piece of cake to figure direction.

It’s time to vote. Each crewmember has four cards with names on them. One by one, they slap the card onto the pointed end of the dagger and cast their vote, with drums and dramatic music in the background. (Oh man. The CHEESINESS is KILLING us… we LOVE this stuff!)

Cameron checks the cards, and declares it a clear decision, unanimous. Joy is allowed to rejoin the crew. Louis is allowed to rejoin the crew. It is between the captain and his nemesis - and it is John who will be set adrift!

Literally! The Captain comes down as John climbs down to the small raft with a single lantern, and with the swing of his sword, cuts the rope and sets John adrift! (I’d hoped for walking the plank, myself. Oh well.) John is surprised that no one cared about the compasses, but says he’s not bitter. He likes to play big, play hard, and doesn’t regret it at all!

Next week: The power of captain goes to Joe Don’s head, he bribes Jay to be his inside man, and an injury jeopardizes everything!

You can bet we’ll be watching - will you?

Pirates, Pirate Masters, Cameron Daddo, CBS, Mark Burnett, treasure, Picton Castle, ship John Lakness, mutiny